Fat Fiend Fail
by Formerly Chilltown
Summary: Sephiroth takes Pete on a perilous weight-loss journey of wonder, romance, and intrigue.
1. Prologue

**I wrote this on a whim. **I've been getting some feedback lately that says I shouldn't write this random humor, but I also get reviews from people who think this stuff is funny.

If this entertains you, or even just gives you a brain-smile, I've done my job. So yeah, forgive me for this mindlessness of which I write so well. xD

* * *

"You'll never win, ya stupid Keyblade brat!" said Pete, shaking his fist in the air.

This was the fourth Pete attack this week, and Sora was determined to prevent the fifth. He struck one of Pete's bombs, and it rolled back into him, exploding. This was enough for the rotund fool to lose balance and fall flat on his face, leaving Sora to wail on him with the Keyblade.

"Get outta my way!" Pete yelled as he used his temper tantrum attack, slamming his fists into the ground. Sora was stunned for a moment.

Pete figured this was the perfect opportunity to flee, so he turned on his heel and started jogging away.

"I'll get you yet!"

"No you won't!" Sora hit Pete with a Blizzara spell, encasing everything but his head in ice. "Pete, you're just too fat."

"Why thank you, I _do_ like eating pizza y' know!"

Sora kicked the frozen moron, who slid across the beach and into the ocean.

Pete drowned.

-LOSEWEIGHT-

"Ya know Leon, I just don't get it," whined Pete, muching on a plate of Buffalo wings. "Why can't I beat that stupid kid?"

"You don't exactly make the healthiest choices; that could be your problem," Leon was doing pull-ups, like a masculine man.

Pete took offense. "What're you implying?"

"What he's saying is that maybe you should go on a diet and work out," answered Yuffie.

The hefty Pete snatched Yuffie up by the collar, shaking the dear life out of her.

"A diet, are you crazy!!! And how did you find my secret hideout?!"

Yuffie looked around. "...We're in Merlin's house."

She damaged Pete's boundless pride, so he put her down and started strangling Leon instead.

"Maybe you should seek help," said Leon, seemingly unphased by his throttling. "You know, like another villain."

Right on cue, Sephiroth walked in the door. "Where is Cloud?"

_We really need a lock on that door_, thought Leon. "Hey Sephiroth, why don't you show Pete here how it's done? It'd get him away from us for a while."

Pete inspected the one-winged angel thoroughly, eyeing him up and down. He looked exactly like what Pete's been going up against and losing to: a handsome Final Fantasy swordsman. A physical lightbulb appeared floating over Pete's head, and burned out. But it was still a good idea, nonetheless.

"Why not?" Pete declared. "I'll go with you."

Sephiroth stood there, fuming at Leon. He would have sliced the gunblader to ribbons, but decided to save his strength for Cloud. Pete _may_ be of some use to him, anyway.

"...You have control over the Heartless, don't you?"

**END OF CHAPTER**


	2. Coach Sephiroth

Leon placed his hands on his hips, smiling proudly as he gazed upon the new doorknob. He picked it out himself, making sure it had a huge, sturdy lock on it. All unbeknownst to Merlin, who they all knew wouldn't be pleased. He never let them change the doorknob before. Cid, Yuffie, and Aerith gathered around to congratulate him.

"...I don't want to know," said Cloud, noticing all the hype.

"Hey Cloud!" cheered Yuffie. "Sephiroth came over looking for you today! And Pete was here too! And Leon put in this new doorknob! And-"

Ignoring the Pete part, Cloud took out his cell phone to send Sephiroth a text message.

_where r u?_

After a few minutes, Cloud got a text back.

_underworld w/ Pete, where r U??_

-LOSEWEIGHT-

The Underworld frightened Pete out of his wits. He and Sephiroth stood at the entrance, dressed in track suits.

"Now listen to me. In order to receive any of my help, you need give control of the Heartless to me."

A Shadow wriggled itself to the surface. Pete ordered it to obey Sephiroth, who was rubbing his hands together evilly in the background.

"Ha ha ha ha! Uh, I mean-" The one-winged angel had to regain his collected manner. "You're going to jog all the way to Hades' chamber deep in the Underworld."

Pete nodded. "Yeah, maybe I could burn a calorie or two!"

Sephiroth facepalmed.

The hulky body mass, Pete, ran at least thirty feet before getting winded, having to rest. Impatiently, Sephiroth teleported them to Hades' keep.

Hades blinked twice in astonishment upon their arrival. "It's that idiot! A-And you're Cloud's friend! What are you doing in my Underworld?!"

"How ya doin' there, Hades?" greeted Pete, who thought they were still friends.

"Didn't I tell you not to come back after that cavern collapsed?"

"Yeah, but-" stammered Pete.

"Pete, you will need to stare Death in the face in order to accomplish anything. We came here to challenge you to battle," said Sephiroth.

This sent Hades into a laughing fit, holding his sides and gasping for breath. Pete frowned at this mockery and was sent flying by a massive fireball. Sephiroth looked out the window, watching Pete fall to his doom in the River Styx.

Hades: *godmode activated* FEEL THE HEAT!

The swordsman dodged a fireball and warped to safety, thanking Jenova he didn't end up like Pete.

-LOSEWEIGHT-

"How'd your training go today?" asked Yuffie as Pete rolled in on a gurney.

"It was okay."

"Well we're busy, so-" Leon kicked the gurney out and shut the door.

Pete collided with the wall, after he crashed into some trash cans and got ran over by a train. His broken bones broke into even more bones. The Heartless emissary thought about what he learned today, and then he had a huge epiphany.

"I want some pizza!"

-LOSEWEIGHT-

During his sixth trip to the Radiant Garden Pizzeria, Pete happened to bump into Tifa, who was looking mighty curvaceous today. All the exercise he did with Sephiroth was putting him in that ladykiller mood of his.

Pete sucked in to hide his massive gut. "So whatcha doin' there, Tifa?"

"...Oh, hey Pete." She didn't say anything to him and kept walking.

"You're lookin' pretty good today, I must say. How 'bout you join me for a slice of hot, fresh pizza?"

"Hot, fresh pizza?" Just the very words _hot, fresh pizza_ aroused Pete, especially the way Tifa said it.

"Yeah..." said Pete, mesmerized.

It became increasingly difficult to suck in, so he finally released. His protruding gut slung outward, and poor Tifa was crushed underneath.

"Ooh, I feel a lot better," groaned Pete. "Now where'd Tifa go...?"

Dismissing her disappearance, Pete made his way to the pizzeria...

**END OF CHAPTER**


	3. Pizza Break, featuring Luxord

When Pete got to the pizza shop, he noticed he'd been dragging something all the way there. Lifting up his foot, he saw Tifa stuck to his shoe.

"Gross." He peeled Tifa off and left her by the trash.

When the employees saw Pete walk in, they began to panic. Nobody, and I do mean nobody, ate as much pizza as Pete or "Peteza," as they liked to call him.

"How many pizzas would you like today?" Notice that the waiter asked 'how many.'

"Just keep 'em comin' today, pal!" Pete was his name, and eating pizza was his game, so he didn't have time for small-talk. "I'd rather we skip the formalities, and skip on down to some pizza!"

An angry, hooded man got up from his table, punching the fat moron square in the jaw. The man twisted Pete's arm and slammed his face against the table surface.

"You stole my phrase!" shouted the man.

"And who're you!?"

"Oh, I'd rather we skip the formalities," he said, revealing himself as Luxord. "I don't have much dialogue in _Kingdom Hearts II_ to begin with, so I would appreciate that you refrain from stealing my quotes."

"Well you came to the right place!" said Pete, showing Luxord the pizzeria. "Not to brag, but I got some pretty good phrases myself. They even call me Phrasemaster Pete, ya know."

The waiter brought out a Monstro-sized sausage pizza. Pete inhaled, eating the entire thing.

"Let's see..." thought Pete, munching down on his second. "You could say '_My life is a chip in your pile, time to ante up_' seein' as you play cards 'nd all."

"Setzer says that," said Luxord.

"I'll be sure to engrave it on your tombstones!"

"Barbossa."

"Got it memorized?"

Luxord stood up from his chair, walking out. "This is hopeless."

If it weren't for the steamy, fresh pizza in front of him, Pete would've chased down Luxord to help. But I mean, who in their right mind would abandon such a succulent pizza?!

Carrying a pizza box in one hand and waving with the other, Pete finally caught up to Luxord, who was just leaving out the door. Luxord rested his chin upon his hand, pondering the distance between the two. Were they twelve feet away from each other? He decided on thirteen, to give Pete the benefit of the doubt.

Pete was clearly exhausted after his long run, panting.

"How about you come and hang out with me 'nd Sephiroth? I'm on a diet!"

His claim was preposterous, as Luxord stared at the colossal pizza. _A diet, you say?_

"Anyway, I could teach you how to say some cool, original stuff! Whaddaya say?"

Luxord didn't want Pete having a heart attack chasing after him again. "Fine by me, I guess. Who is this Sephiroth gentleman?"

-LOSEWEIGHT-

"Okay, Pete," exhaled an exasperated Sephiroth. "Who did you bring along?"

"This here's my buddy Luxord," Pete said.

Luxord waved his hands side-to-side, eyes widening. "I can assure you that we're not friends."

"He wants to learn how to say cool stuff! And I'm gonna teach him, because I say cool stuff all the time!"

Sephiroth and Luxord facepalmed.

-LOSEWEIGHT-

"Now Pete..." Sephiroth began today's lesson. "Can you tell me where we are?"

Pete looked around at the Gothic architecture and how aesthetically horrifying the overall theme of the world was.

"We're in Halloween Town, of course!"

"Boo!" greeted Jack Skellington, jumping out of a dead bush with no leaves.

Pete shrieked in terror and ran away as fast as he could. That scary skeleton man scared him so much that by the time he stopped running, he had ran all the way around the world and was in the same spot again. Upon his return, Sephiroth and Luxord's jaws dropped in amazement.

"Pete, by God, you did it!" exclaimed a surprised Luxord. "You lost weight!"

"I did?" asked Pete. "I guess I was so scared I didn't really notice."

In fact, Pete had lost all the weight and even built a healthy amount of muscle; his red and blue armor was pretty loose-fitting too.

"Happy Halloween, fellas!" Jack tried greeting again.

This time Pete didn't run, but something even less fortunate...

"Sephiroth, you think we could go back so I can change my pants?"

-LOSEWEIGHT-

"Wow, Pete!" shouted Yuffie. "It's a complete transformation, an entirely new Pete!"

The now-physically-fit Pete strutted around Merlin's house, showing off his new-and-improved body. Even Leon gave a crap.

"How did you lose all that weight?" he asked.

"With lots of exercise, and a stained pair of underwear!"

"...Gross," said Leon and Yuffie in unison.

-LOSEWEIGHT-

"Looks like I won't need ol' Sephiroth anymore," said Pete, wearing new, fashionable clothes to show off his new figure.

"Hey, Pete!" yelled an all-too-familiar voice.

Luxord stood next to the metrosexually-dressed Pete, embarrassed and with no new cool phrases to say. Actually, if he didn't find a new phrase and fast...

_"Number X," Xemnas addressed him through the castle intercom. "This is your superior-"_

_"I'd rather we skip the formalities."_

_Upon Luxord's arrival, Xemnas changed his emotionless expression to a very mad one, in order to practice having emotions._

_"You, as well as anyone else, know that I like formalities. I understand that it is your preference to skip them, but in this Organization we use formalities! And plenty of them!"_

_That is when Luxord received orders to find a new phrase to say, to his chagrin._

_"Something cool, like Axel's. But don't be a bitch like Larxene; it's bad for you."_

"...and now I'm tryin' to teach Luxord here how to be cool, but it ain't workin' out for him. Not ev'rybody can be cool like ol' Pete, you know!"

"Oh, you're so sexy, Pete~!" squealed Tifa adoringly, pressing her large chest against him. "Who's Luxord? That guy with the ugly, flesh-colored beard?"

Luxord frowned.

**END OF CHAPTER**


	4. Level 2 Death Machine

**A/N:** I'd like to take the time to clear something up. The "flesh-colored beard" bit is because of this guy on TV, Spencer Pratt, whom everyone makes fun of his ugly beard. I didn't _steal_ the bit from anything, as my favorite heckler said I did. I may write some pretty dumb stories, but I _never ever ever never ever_ steal jokes or material without crediting the original source.

Enjoy, if ya can! :D

* * *

Pete stood on the doorstep of Sora's house, ready to knock on the door. He was going to challenge Sora to a final battle now that he was physically fit and sexy beyond belief, and so he knocked on the door.

Sora's mom answered the door. "Hello, and who are _you?_"

Although Pete wasn't too good with getting the underlying message, he was pretty sure Sora's mom was hitting on him.

"Excuse me, but are you comin' on to me?" asked Pete.

"Of course, you beautiful man-cat-dog-thing!"

The love that was made on that afternoon was so passionate and hot, that I'm not even going to go into detail.

"Mom what are you doing?!" yelped Sora, watching his mother make out with a handsome stranger. "Wait, is that Pete!?!!"

"That's right!" he announced, copping a feel. "And I came to fight you, Keyblade punk!!"

Sora invited Pete in, and he led them to his back yard, where the final battle would take place.

"Give me strength!" Sora cried out, clutching his heart. Pete had seen this technique once before.

The Keyblade master called Goofy's strength into his heart, and because of it, he changed into Valor Form. In this form, Sora held Oblivion in his right hand and Oathkeeper in his left. It made no difference to Pete though, because he was still sexy.

Then Sora killed Pete.

-LOSEWEIGHT-

"I just don't get it," said Pete, lying in Merlin's bed, wrapping in bandages from head to toe. "I'm really good-looking, but I still lost!"

"What level are you, anyway?" mused Leon.

Come to think of it, Pete never knew his level. He pressed the start button, and what he found shocked him.

Luxord cleared his throat. "About that phrase-"

"Level two?! How can I, Pete, only be level two!?"

"Maybe you should fight Sephiroth. He's worth a good bit of EXP," advised Leon. "You can initiate a battle from the dark depths, over by the crystal fissure."

"Good idea, I think!"

Inspired by Leon's complete genius, the badly-damaged Pete ran out the house in search of more EXP. Luxord politely followed behind.

"He's a dead man... cat, thing," Cid added in idly, typing away on his computer.

"I know," said Leon, proud of himself. "And he'll never come back again. But who was that guy with the ugly, flesh-colored beard?"

-LEVELUP-

Pete and Luxord approached Sephiroth, and Luxord pushed the triangle button to initiate the cutscene.

"What is Cloud doing?" the one-winged swordsman asked.

"Beats me," said Pete. "Lookie here, pal. I'm gonna need to level up, that's fer sure! So prepare for trouble!"

The handsome, muscular Disney villain looked over to Luxord for support.

"...Oh, and make it double." Luxord couldn't understand the author's Team Rocket obsession either.

Sephiroth readied his Masamune, which was ridiculously long today. Luxord shared a joke that he must be heavily compensating.

"I'll show you!" _Slashslashslash! Cut. Slash! _ "Get outta my- doh!"

**GAME OVER.**

_Continue._

Pete reappeared at the entrance to the dark depths with Luxord.

He slumped over, crestfallen. "Oh boy. Where's a _Kingdom Hearts_ enclosed instruction book when ya need one?"

**END OF CHAPTER**


	5. Big Bad Sephiroth's Bad, Bad Plan

After two weeks of playing _Kingdom Hearts_, Pete gained all his weight back. So much for instant gratification.

"Ah, who needs that healthy lifestyle anyways, right Squall?" said Pete, munching on a slice of fresh pizza right out the box.

"That's Luxord."

Pete put the rest of the pizza in his inventory and stood proudly, like a real _Kingdom Hearts_ character.

"Today's the day we beat Heiferstop!"

"Ahahaha!" cackled Sephiroth as he summoned swarms of Heartless, until his ringtone went off.

_whats up Ubisoft_

It was from Pete.

_wtf?_

"Want to fight?" Pete deciphered, the Gambler peering over. "I think Jeffircloth challenged us."

Luxord turned off the Playstation, and the pair opened the door...

...to a swarm of angry Heartless destroying the citizens and town. A Soldier kicked Luxord in the face, then stood idle and twitched.

"Aha, yes!" Pete remembered the game's mechanics. "These enemies attack after a set interval of time."

But instead of disposing of the Heartless, he stood there recalling gameplay facts, giving it enough time to tornado-kick Pete through a window. It stalked the scene jovially as Luxord summoned his deck of cards. He pounded the large card against the Heartless until it exploded into a black mist.

Pete climbed his fat ass out the window. "Well now. I got twelve experience points!"

Leon was outside too and killed significantly less than a million Heartless with one combo. Then Cloud came along, and the Heartless ceased their ruffian behavior.

_wyd_ texted Sephiroth.

_idk, fightin sum Heartless_

_let's fight._

Sephiroth teleported to Radiant Garden to deflate Cloud's heroic behavior and kill Pete.

"Now I can finally defeat my Darkness," said Cloud, brandishing his buster sword.

Pete ran into Cloud, knocking him over.

"And I can finally beat Sora, subsequently after I beat Steppenwolf!"

Luxord joined Pete and Cloud. "And I will learn a new quotation, I hope."

Sephiroth looked down at his memo pad before he made any decisions: _Eggs, bran cereal, kill Pete, strawberry jelly, hate Cloud_. He crossed off the eggs, the cereal, and the jelly; now it was time to get down to business.

_Uh oh, he's making a list and checking it twice!_ Pete looked to both his party members in desperation. "Maybe I should go."

Cloud ignored him, as he already engaged the one-winged angel in a deadlock of oversized weapons. He and Sephiroth battled like it was the last cheese sandwich, and they were evenly matched until Pete decided to help, turning the tide in Sephiroth's favor.

Pete tried one of his rolling bombs, but it was so slow that they took a forty-five minute lunch break to develop new strategies. When they returned, the bomb exploded on Sephiroth.

"Yes!" Pete cheered for himself. "How do ya like that, Durwood?"

"My _name_ is _not_ Durwood!" screamed Sephiroth, tugging on his gorgeous white locks. "Fuck you, Pete!" He unleashing another wave of Heartless upon Radiant Garden.

Everyone stood around, looking all hopeless.

"Well dang," said Pete, upon realizing that he gave Sephiroth control of the Heartless a couple chapters back.

Everyone then realized it was hopeless and turned back to start packing for Traverse Town again. As they passed, each said "Fuck you, Pete."

"Now _that_ sounds like a phrase!" Luxord snapped his fingers and scampered off to The World That Never Was, happy to have finally found something worthwhile.

-TOXEMNAS-

"...Tell me again," said Xemnas, looking more pissed than usual.

"Err..." Well, Luxord thought it was worth a shot. "Fuck you, Pete!"

Xemnas's eyes widened, and for a second there, he might've even had a heart.

"You're brilliant, Luxord! Kiss me, you fool!"

**END OF CHAPTER**


	6. Banished

"Dang," uttered the obese cat as he helplessly watched Radiant Garden teem with Heartless, gradually warping the world with darkness.

Pete, in the last chapter, was really steaming Sephiroth's potatoes, so he used the Heartless to destroy the whole world to piss Cloud off. Cloud got so mad that he got on Facebook and totally called him out about it.

_Sephiroth and pete suck. They really suck. I hate sephiroth so much, he just sucks._ Posted by Cloud Strife 3 minutes ago.

_Going to traverse town tonight, heartless destroyed the world again lol._ Posted by Yuffie Kisaragi via iPhone 5 minutes ago.

_Still stuck in the Realm of Darkness, playing FarmVille._ Posted by Aqua 38 minutes ago.

_Destroying Radiant Garden, text me._ Posted by Sephiroth via Mobile Web 2 hours ago.

"At least I still have you, Luxord." Pete looked around and saw no one. "Oh."

Sephiroth hovered overhead, laughing triumphantly as he succeeded in ruining Cloud's weekend. Now the only one incapable of stopping him had to take action and save the world. No - all the worlds. Sephiroth wouldn't just stop at Radiant Garden!

"Time to pay a visit to Traverse Town," the one-winged angel announced to no one in particular as he prepared to teleport. "Taking down every world until there's none left for you to run to, Cloud."

"Not so fast, Weddingcost!" Pete challenged, shaking a fist.

The wicked one glared down at him, annoyed. "Your part is over."

A dark corridor opened beneath Pete's feet, swallowing him as he tried to fight back using his best resistant flails, to no effect.

"Why meeeee!" the cat cried out as he fell into darkness and disappeared.

At a time, he had it all: fame, fortune, good looks, friends who cared, respect from the community, a decent credit score. Working his entire life to achieve these things, he lost it all in an instant. Pete couldn't help but shed a tear alone as he sat at a jagged edge in the Realm of Darkness, watching the endless abyss.

Maybe it was easier, falling.

-TRAVERSETOWN-

Tension saturated the air in the commons quarters of their rental hotel suite. So much that it could be considered a choking hazard. The kettle whistled, and Aerith faithfully tended to filling cups, while everyone else sat at the table or leaned on walls, cross-armed and weary-eyed.

"We were just getting the town back to the way it was!" Yuffie bemoaned. "Now what?"

Cid flicked his cigarette ash onto the carpet. "Drink your tea."

The ninja rose. "We should go back and put up a fight! If Sora were here we-"

"Sit down and drink your God damn tea!" Cid flicked his cigarette so hard, it broke in half.

She did.

**END OF CHAPTER**


End file.
